i suck .. i noe.. alwaes haf been probably..

each tym i thot thngs are recovering.. it happens again.. a phone call frm smone. will prolly get the whole story out again.. the entire story.. i hate to hear them .. i hate to be reminded of them.. i really do..

u wished that you had nt chose my dad in the past.. when you had do have a lot of suitors.. you wonder why he cld be so heartless wif a 20 year r/s jus like that .. ppl agreed wif you that dad is heartless.. 20 years of marriage.. and now he cant even stand the sight of you .. he chose nt to haf anythng to do wif u now.. a divorce was on an immediate agenda wif nt for our education..you told ppl how you wished that you have never detect the small tumour in your womb 3 years ago.. and if u had died then..everythng wld be over.. how dying wld so much be your sweet rescue.

the whole world haf been telling me that i m nt to blame myelf for all that has happen..

if only this is so easily done..


it hunts when the protective layer gets torn dwn time and again..

you blame me alot for choosing nt to speak up for you when dad had a talk wif samuel and I.. i didnt cos i had lost all trust i had for you.. you never know and will know how it feels.. to wonder if your mum is coming home tonight or panick why you cant find her when dad is already home and you cant answer when he asked where did you go.. the were countless nights of insercurity and fear... when you see your mum looking all lost and desperate whne she chalks up loans.. when you wonder if you had lost ur mum actually and someone who looks jus like her and had posed as your mum actually.. and the one you see is not her.. i thot it was jus a nightmare and everythng will jus be over soon.. jolted out of my sleep in the middle of the night.. i frantically search the house of whether you are still at home.. how u called me in the middle of lessons one dae and said that you are going to die and i came home to wrestle off he knife, the pen knief and the bottle of bleach awae frm you.. i was scared whne i hid allt he sharp objects at home.. even watching you cry in the middle of the night.

recollections seem veh much untrue now..thinking back.. i used to burst in the roomon sunday mornings and pester you two to bring us to have madonalds breakfast.. i remember my dad cutting up my hotcakes for me.. i will alwaes remember there was this time when we were on the car and my dad told us abt ur first driving experience.. ti was so hillarious and i laughed till my stomach hurts.. i remember how my dad would call every afternoon and they wld jus talk.. i remember sunday dinnerxs was homely and it was the only time of the week when we sit down to haf dinner together .. they really seem so untrue now..

really.. do they exist?

i was once very proud of my family.. i was so convinced that my family was the best that anyone could have..

there are daes when you thot of the past and you get depressed again.like now.. you are crying in the toilet bt do you noe i m crying too?...

you have found a job and had not touch those stuf again.,.. bt i jus so hate it when someone calls wif the intention of seeing how are you getting on.. and you ended up reaccounting everythng and you cry .. i noe everytym it happens it will last for days.. i haf alwaes wished that they dun call at all.. jus when we were watching the korean dramas cheerfully.. the call comes and thngs remain like before again.. its tiring..

how i wished i m overseas now..

samuel is the one who has been pledging loyalty to you.. and you have accounted time and again that it was him that had accompany you thru the nights when you were depressed.. i m sorry if you had hated me..dad dun like me.. thats wad samuel use to tell you.. today u told your fren that again.. how dad had a a strained r/s wif samuel cos he havs been speaking up for you. and it explains when the daughter is on the father's side and the son on the other.. you have no idea how it felt when u heard your mum said that very words.. the daughter is as heartless as the father..

i m sorry if i was to have spoken up for you like wad samuel did , instead of jus keeping quiet.. at that point of time..i didnt want to care abt thngs anymor and my trust was so fragil that i dunnoe when you wld really haf gone on a straight path when so many promises have already been broken before.. perhapes you will never understand why i didnt do the things that you wld have wanted me to do.. or the things i had rather myself to have the courage to do..

mayb all this is nt true again.. its all but a dream..