.. finally i m backed.. this tym i m not crying cos now.. everythng had been decided.. right now.. i haf a direction.. ok.. repeating another yr. in a wae.. its not so bad.. after adding on to my ca and mye results.. i got 3 fishes.. lets c.. 32% for geog.. 33% for econs.. 27% for maths..ok... in a wae.. i m really lucky tt my principal was not persistent in kiking me out.. lke.. hello!.. look at those freakin results.. she can easily kicked me out bt ya.. so i haf to sae a big thank u to all my tutors.. ya.. though i usually strt crying again when they brought tt matter up again.. bt still.. wad they sae.. actually make quite abit of sense.. ya.. they make a big effort to .. backing me up wif positive comments.. haha..ya.. so my principal has no prob in me repeating.. n this tym.. i m veh .. determined.. to not let this happen again.. u will haf no idea how much i will hate myself if all this were to happen again.. this veh tym of the year... ya.. and also

.. hmm.. after much dicussion.. i wun b taking maths again.. i will be doing lit.. geog and econs.. ya.. i dunnoe if i m making a gd choice and hopefully.. i wun regret this.. ya.. mrs ho is right.. i dun haf the spark for maths.. i may be putting alot of effort into doing maths bt stl.. i will forsake alot alot of effort.. this time.. i decide.. i will do smthng i like and not do it for the sake of doing it.. i noe i like to read.. i like to write.. its gng to be hard .. trying to learn a new sub.. bt ya.. i m willing to gif it a try.. mr ong. if u r reading this.. u r right.. i shuld nv haf taken maths frm the strt.. hehe.. really .. bu ting lao ren yan.. chi kui zai yan qian.. haha.. .. i m so happy to be away frm the clutches of maths.. :)..

..my dear joyce.. these daes.. we been hanging and toking quite alot... hanging out if the co gang almost ..or actually.. verydae.. after sch.. thought smtymes ... its alot of stoning.. bt i stl love it.. haha.. ya.. same here... haf alot of mixed feelings too.. and i noe for myself tt i will not let myself go far.. i will not commit myself to an extent and end up hurtin myself.. ya.. i m trying.. i hope i will be successful.. cos i dun want to get hurt.. dan lian.. its horrible.. ya.. for me.. i will jus let time decide for itself..i will accept all that is to come..

lastly.. to all my darlings out there.. all those hu comfort and carried me thru these much..i really cant do w/o u ppl.. sorry for scarying u ppl alot of tymes.. wif all those silly thots of mine..i want all our frenship to really last.. i really mean it kk.. if only i can find my new class to be lyk u guys..

to my dear class..been in it for 7 months.. these months is not really that short and not tt long.. had a tym of my life and ya.. stl pretty amazing that we can be even go holidaying during june!.. :).. haha.. gng to miz u peeps.. i noe.. we will all stl be in the same sch, we will b attending in the same lt and class rms.. though diff tym slots.. hai.. i noe. .. stl.. how i wish i can stl be wif u guys .. crapping together.. bt its ok..no outkasting rite.. :)..

.. everythng is sorta settled.. i will make it a new strt.. hey ppl.. wish me luck..

yup.. i m still veh lost.. i haf been for the past few daes.. i m stl.. i haf not come to a decision..

i m ..

demoralised..

sad..

veh angry at myself..

dejected..

veh down..

veh lost..

unjustified..

simply confused and unsure..

lke wad i told alot of my frens..so much stuff have been happening in my life tt i simply do not noe wad to blog..

i dun haf a goal in my life .. ok.. to be true.. i dunnoe wad i want right frm the strt.. i thnk i haf become veh much of a follower.. i enter college.. in the hope of figuring wad i want out of life.. wad i want to do.. wad i really wish to work for.. where my passion lies..

ok.. i m proven wrong.. i dunnoe.. at least it had been a year. and i stl dunnoe wad i want.. i really do not wish for this to happen .. never.. i worked hard.. i strive for it.. bt stl.. panick attacks stl choose to jumped onto me. and wow.. everythng is gone and i m left there.. struggling to rem all that i rem.. i m surrounded by ppl who prepared veh well.. and they looked lke they are handling the pprs well.. ok.. i dun really want to be at that sickening hall.. i looked outside the hall .. guess wad.. i m looking at all the windows at the HDB flats.. scenes lke this replayed for the past week..

yup..

wad can i do.. i noe crying dun help in any bit.. bt ya.. i stl cant help it..

i jus feel so unjustified..
now.. the results are all out.. i m facing the question of being Retained if they are kind.. or kicked out i really dunnoe wad to do.. i looked at my results slips and i noe ppl arnd me r trying hard not to seem so excited about their results.. thxs ppl.. bt ya.. i stl cant helped it.. how i wished i m lke them.. i noe.. there's no ptn crying over spilt milk.. bt... can i help not to?. i m drowned in my own tears.. my swollen and red..eyes jus telll everyone about it.. i dun deny the fact tt i did terribily..

i deemed myself a failure though i noe very much that its not the end of everyhtng and it is jus exams..

i noe.. bt i stl deemed myself as one..

ok.. i wun sae my parents gif me a big amount of pressure but ya... occasionally.. they are alwaes dicussing abt.. oh.. the new hse is so near to the u.. gd for u next tym... i cant bear to crash their dreams lke.. haha.. i dun thnk i cant get there..its gng to b smthng lke so near yet so far.. they dun sae thta they want me to go this far and acheive this much in life.. and ya.. i noe.. they do haf some expectations of me.. and i noe,.. once again.. i failed to fulfil them.. i m veh sorry.. bt i did tried my best

i m really veh sorry to some other ppl as well.. for eg.. Mrs Ho.. i m really sorry.. lke wad i told u .. for the past few daes.. i dun haf the [face] to c u.. u tried ur best in helping me and ya.. there i m .. producing altrocious shitty results.. sorry..mayb u r right.. i dun haf a spark for maths.. and if i choose to repeat.. i might want to forsake maths.. i noe right frm the strt.. i nv did lyk maths,.. i choose to do it for the fact that its realtively impt.. ya.. c.. how much of a follower i m..

alot of ppl.. hu tried their best.. teaching me lots of concepts,i m so sorry.. i felt as though i haf wasted all of u ppl's tym.. so sorry..

to my dearest co frens.. i m really really sad that this were to happened.. cant imagained how much i haf actually bonded wif u ppl.. u guys are my foundation for my mental well being during this period of tym.. cos i noe. u ppl will be there.. we haf been hanging out together for lke 1 wk.. ok.. smtyms its jus alot of stoning.. bt .. i stl lyk it.. i lke the wae we could alll find common topics and there is lke no really any secrets within us .. we are comfortable sharing wadever we are thnking.. i really thank God for precious ppl lke u guys.. or it could be the fact that we are small.. tt's y we bonded so well.. really cant bear to leave u guys... i m actually lookin forward to every prac session and all the outings we had.. how i wished thngs will never change and remain as it is.. if all this were to come true..we treasure all the tym we had.. and make sure .. all of us haf fun and sure enuf.. they nv fail to make me smile..alot of them had made an impact on my life.. sigh..

i made myself face reality again.. m i really perked up for another yr lke this?.. i really dun want to picture myself again, next yr.. writing another similar blog entry.. its scary..all the wad if's crashes in..m i really maximising my potential..lke wad ms sue saes .. there will be a scar no matter wad. .. but its ur mentality that works miracles.. i dunnoe if i m willing to gif it another try... i dun want to be wasting my tym.. not anyymore..

i really wonder wad life really awaits me.. i wish there coukld be a sneak preview lke in movies.. u wun be feeling so lost otherwise..i need a guide,.. someone out there.. guide me pls..

u noe its really funny hw different thngs change..lke in the past.. though u really thot u screwed up ur pprs, thngs are not so bad afterall. haha.. now?... if u thnk u screwed up.. yes.. u had screwed it up.. i hate this.. i really hate all thats happening..

how i wished .. i can jus be in my own world with the people that i loved..the ppl that i treasured .. all the wonderful thngs in life..

i noe. this is a section on the road that i have to go thru.. bt right now.. i jus find it so hard.. most of the tyms.. i jus find it so hard to breathe..i need an escape..n someone .. help me..i thot my tears had tried.. bt looking at this,... i dun thnk so... i m sorry..

hmm..
had a dae out wif drey..
well.. smtyms.. i really gota admit..
ppl in poly are definetely diff than ppl in jc..
for the gd or for the bad..
i would sae ..
gd..
simply..
u learn to b more street wise..
bt stl..
drey.. muz go out more often kk..

did not haf much slp for the past few daes..
haha.. tis tym round .. not cus of mugging.. bt it was fun...real fun

Wrote this entry on thurs.. bt yah.. i was too lazy to type and blog it..
Well.. its delicated to one of my best fren..jocelyn..she is gng to australia next yr feb to trintity college.. hai.. really feel lke joining her too.. lets see.. i haf known her for 3 yrs.. since sec3.. sound short bt not tt short either.. we been thru quite alot.. at least in my opinion. ..its rather weird that the 2 of us end up being close frens.. we may look as though we r 2 diff worlds apart... but how we click and still find similarities.. i dunnoe?.. haha..’

Memories..

All the lame jokes... fooling around.. long lunches.. talks on the bus 66.. we reckon tt those ppl on the bus could haf heard quite abit abt us.. those mornings at the spiral stairs.. doing mornign duties.. me standing there when she used to make her morning calls.. and i kinda alwaes wonder and disagree wif her dng tt.. i prob wun ever understand y.. the times when we were suppose to be sleeping during the camps.. but we are up toking.. esp in a camp. When we wee freak out by somthng and esp by that black cat.. going thu those tyms wig her when she got hurt in a r/s.. and alwaes hoping that she will still find someone who really love her and not hurt her in any wae eventually.. me waiting for her after sch to go home together and it s so funny how anyone could thnk tt we are together.. haha. Me making her join the same tuition class together.. daydreaming in class.. den falling for the same guy.. after some tym.. we thot we are silly to lke him.. rite ger?.. me buying smthng for someone wif her.. me being sad over someone else and she being there for me.. it being my bdae.. and she try veh hard to plan ... asking soemone to come and giving me a surpise.. yup.. of corse.. her bdaes.. it was so fun playing wif the cake too... i rem the first tym she actually told me abt her family stuf.. us being utterly disappointed by our results.. my small little notes to her.. ya.. all retro-theme.. haa.. i noe.. wads new rite.. her being there for me when somethng happen last. Ya.. it was so terrible and she really help to make me strong and learnt how to forgive myself.. the bugis shopping trip.. and the Mr policeman..haha..how i alwaes tell her that her happiness alwaes s there awaiting her there. .. and how juch her family and loved ones s there for her.. and love her just as much.. she alwaes comforting me that my special someone is also out there.. going to the beach and tan myself till lke a lobster..long phone conversatins..how we can read our minds..oh!.. rem the screwdriver thng.. haha.. chemistry..

The list will go on and on.. hai.. its lke infinity cos in every small wae or other.. the memories just keep accumulating..

“A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.”

“A person is only complete when she has a true friend to understand her, to share all her passions and sorrows with, and to stand by her throughout her life.”

“ The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.”

Pls take care of urself and dear fren.. wadever u do..may u be happy..