Chasing Rainbows

yup.. i m still veh lost.. i haf been for the past few daes.. i m stl.. i haf not come to a decision..

i m ..

demoralised..

sad..

veh angry at myself..

dejected..

veh down..

veh lost..

unjustified..

simply confused and unsure..

lke wad i told alot of my frens..so much stuff have been happening in my life tt i simply do not noe wad to blog..

i dun haf a goal in my life .. ok.. to be true.. i dunnoe wad i want right frm the strt.. i thnk i haf become veh much of a follower.. i enter college.. in the hope of figuring wad i want out of life.. wad i want to do.. wad i really wish to work for.. where my passion lies..

ok.. i m proven wrong.. i dunnoe.. at least it had been a year. and i stl dunnoe wad i want.. i really do not wish for this to happen .. never.. i worked hard.. i strive for it.. bt stl.. panick attacks stl choose to jumped onto me. and wow.. everythng is gone and i m left there.. struggling to rem all that i rem.. i m surrounded by ppl who prepared veh well.. and they looked lke they are handling the pprs well.. ok.. i dun really want to be at that sickening hall.. i looked outside the hall .. guess wad.. i m looking at all the windows at the HDB flats.. scenes lke this replayed for the past week..

yup..

wad can i do.. i noe crying dun help in any bit.. bt ya.. i stl cant help it..

i jus feel so unjustified..
now.. the results are all out.. i m facing the question of being Retained if they are kind.. or kicked out i really dunnoe wad to do.. i looked at my results slips and i noe ppl arnd me r trying hard not to seem so excited about their results.. thxs ppl.. bt ya.. i stl cant helped it.. how i wished i m lke them.. i noe.. there's no ptn crying over spilt milk.. bt... can i help not to?. i m drowned in my own tears.. my swollen and red..eyes jus telll everyone about it.. i dun deny the fact tt i did terribily..

i deemed myself a failure though i noe very much that its not the end of everyhtng and it is jus exams..

i noe.. bt i stl deemed myself as one..

ok.. i wun sae my parents gif me a big amount of pressure but ya... occasionally.. they are alwaes dicussing abt.. oh.. the new hse is so near to the u.. gd for u next tym... i cant bear to crash their dreams lke.. haha.. i dun thnk i cant get there..its gng to b smthng lke so near yet so far.. they dun sae thta they want me to go this far and acheive this much in life.. and ya.. i noe.. they do haf some expectations of me.. and i noe,.. once again.. i failed to fulfil them.. i m veh sorry.. bt i did tried my best

i m really veh sorry to some other ppl as well.. for eg.. Mrs Ho.. i m really sorry.. lke wad i told u .. for the past few daes.. i dun haf the [face] to c u.. u tried ur best in helping me and ya.. there i m .. producing altrocious shitty results.. sorry..mayb u r right.. i dun haf a spark for maths.. and if i choose to repeat.. i might want to forsake maths.. i noe right frm the strt.. i nv did lyk maths,.. i choose to do it for the fact that its realtively impt.. ya.. c.. how much of a follower i m..

alot of ppl.. hu tried their best.. teaching me lots of concepts,i m so sorry.. i felt as though i haf wasted all of u ppl's tym.. so sorry..

to my dearest co frens.. i m really really sad that this were to happened.. cant imagained how much i haf actually bonded wif u ppl.. u guys are my foundation for my mental well being during this period of tym.. cos i noe. u ppl will be there.. we haf been hanging out together for lke 1 wk.. ok.. smtyms its jus alot of stoning.. bt .. i stl lyk it.. i lke the wae we could alll find common topics and there is lke no really any secrets within us .. we are comfortable sharing wadever we are thnking.. i really thank God for precious ppl lke u guys.. or it could be the fact that we are small.. tt's y we bonded so well.. really cant bear to leave u guys... i m actually lookin forward to every prac session and all the outings we had.. how i wished thngs will never change and remain as it is.. if all this were to come true..we treasure all the tym we had.. and make sure .. all of us haf fun and sure enuf.. they nv fail to make me smile..alot of them had made an impact on my life.. sigh..

i made myself face reality again.. m i really perked up for another yr lke this?.. i really dun want to picture myself again, next yr.. writing another similar blog entry.. its scary..all the wad if's crashes in..m i really maximising my potential..lke wad ms sue saes .. there will be a scar no matter wad. .. but its ur mentality that works miracles.. i dunnoe if i m willing to gif it another try... i dun want to be wasting my tym.. not anyymore..

i really wonder wad life really awaits me.. i wish there coukld be a sneak preview lke in movies.. u wun be feeling so lost otherwise..i need a guide,.. someone out there.. guide me pls..

u noe its really funny hw different thngs change..lke in the past.. though u really thot u screwed up ur pprs, thngs are not so bad afterall. haha.. now?... if u thnk u screwed up.. yes.. u had screwed it up.. i hate this.. i really hate all thats happening..

how i wished .. i can jus be in my own world with the people that i loved..the ppl that i treasured .. all the wonderful thngs in life..

i noe. this is a section on the road that i have to go thru.. bt right now.. i jus find it so hard.. most of the tyms.. i jus find it so hard to breathe..i need an escape..n someone .. help me..i thot my tears had tried.. bt looking at this,... i dun thnk so... i m sorry..